On Fatherhood

"No operation extends with any certainty beyond the first encounter with the main body of the enemy."

It's staggering, the thought of what lies ahead of my child. Technology and it's pace are increasing at logarithmic rates. Life expectancies are extending, and by the time he is having these thoughts about the possibilities of his children, if all goes well, the records of his thoughts will be stored automatically. By the time she is thinking about the possiblities of her child, it's longevity will be insured, and the possibilities of years far beyond our current scope will be on the horizon of realization.

Ours is a time of turbulence and change. Of religious zeal and political restructuring. it is a time of technological intrusion and technological creation. Most of all, it is a time of growth. We are growing in our understanding of the universe and our understanding of ourselves within it and in control of it.

All that 'big picture' stuff being stated, what now?

I am, by nature, a caretaker. From the time I was young I have been asked to care for others, and have fallen easily into the role. For quite a while I have seen each child that I have come into contact with as an opportunity. My first real thoughts about my impact on the lives of youth occured as I was teaching my first year for the Summer Youth Programs at Michigan Technological University. I was only 21 or 22 years old, but during a conversation with some of the young women and girls in my class I realized that I had a rare, if not unique, opportunity to have direct, positive impact on their lives.

I held two things at that moment that could make a difference. I held their attention and interest, and I held knowledge that they truly needed (I won't say "wanted" because I don't think they realized at the time that they were missing it). What is even more noteworthy is that this didn't happen within the confines of the class room, but as I sat with all of the students over lunch, which I did once or twice a week.

This general interest in their lives is what, I think, allowed them to open up and to listen to me. Two things occured to me right then. The first was that I really could have an impact on the lives of people around me, and the second was just how overwhelming important it was to take each of those opportunities when they came and to take them with caution.

Why caution? Because if we aren't careful we can take away the learning experiences of life by dictating life choices rather than guiding them to understanding. I realized that by giving them the information that they didn't have, I could help them to see the right decision about things on their own such that they chose it for themselves rather than telling them to do something and them learning nothing.

Kinda like when you are told not to touch the stove when you're a kid because it's "HOT", but until we actually TOUCH it, we don't get what "HOT" is. It's just a word that someone else is afraid, cautious or wary of until the pain is associated in our _own_ brains with word.

From that day forward I have tried to conduct myself as a coach and mentor rather than a friend to the young people that I have encountered. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes treating them with respect is mistaken by them as making them a peer, but as long as they can understand friendship vs. peer, everything works out (because, honestly, isn't that what a true friend does? Treats you with respect and cares about your well-being?).

This resepct boils down to structure and concern. When we love, listen and teach our children, we need to understand that kids need three things to thrive:

1. Structure
2. Affection
3. Attention

Structure offers them a system in which to work (and a vigilant parent knows that they will always test that structure to make sure they know exactly where they fit). They need to know the rules, who sets them and the reprecussions for breaking them. They also need to know what the rewards are for working within them, and affection lets them know that they are on the right track. Attention isn't all that hard, and yet I see so many parents around me NOT paying attention to their children, and if you aren't paying attention, how do you know if they are working within the structure? How do you know if they deserve the affection, or even the punishment, for that matter? It amazes me how quickly parents react with punishment when children ask for attention, and the harder the children have to work for the attention, the quicker they realize that negative attention is easier to get.

If you are attention starved, negative attention is still attention.

It's sad when parents punish their children for their own shortcomings in the parent/child relationship, but I see it all the time, and I'm just an innocent observer. I shudder to think about the things family counselors see on aregular basis. I shudder.

Now, this isn't to say that all attempts at attention getting don't warrant the negative kind, but I'll warrant that most moments of acting out are directly related to nuture, not nature. Sara and I actually joke about this, and have changed the phrase "It's in my nature" to "It's in my nuture" to reflect our understanding that sometimes we act the way that the way we do due to how we have been trained or conditioned since we were children. And when parents ignore their children when they are small and teach them through omition that the only way to get mom or dad's attention is by acting out, I am truly baffled by the excuses that are made by these same parents when the lack of structure comes home to roost; when their kids churn through adolescence and young adulthood, where tantrums are coupled with real anger and the reprecussions are larger logarithmically. Truly baffled.

So, I'm going to be a dad, and my time for observation is coming to a close. I know that many of the parents out there who might read this will proclaim "Easier said than done, just wait until you're at the wrong end of the stick!" I know that it's easier to arm chair quarterback than to get in the game, but I also know that Sara and I are coming up with a game plan, and we'll check in with it and each other from time-to-time. Hopefully it will survive a day or two past "Congratulations, Mr. Charbeneau, it's a..."